The cruellest conversation

No one and nothing can ever prepare you for when you have to tell your children. My husband pleaded with me after my diagnosis to tell our children sooner rather than later. When I finally I brought myself to have one of the cruellest conversations a parent ever has to have with their children everything I rehearsed went out the window.
Sunday, 21 October 07.
When the father of your children is seated next to you, unable to contain his tears and you see the look of confusion and concern on their faces, the task ahead is near impossible.
I search for something in their eyes and to this day I have no idea what it was I was searching for, possibly an easy way out.
"I have to go away for a while to have an operation."
In unison my children ask why. After what seems like an eternity I said, "I have breast cancer."
Grayson looked at me and said, "oh gay mum" (another teenage saying that makes no sense however I understand). Tearfully I look at him, wishing that I was joking, and tell him that I'm being serious. Tears of shock, astonishment, bewilderment, fear and some hurtful monents of silence later Grayson asks me "Will you have cancer forever mum?"

What he really meant was, was I dying?
I was honest and told him that I really didn't know (which of course I really didn't know much about treatment) but assured them all that they would be kept in the loop but only if they wanted to know.
The silent tears told me that it was enough information for now.
Telling my children early on in the piece protected them from finding out from someone else which could have caused more heartbreak. Talking to them individually on a regular basis helps me gage where they at with 'mum's breast cancer'.
They are not perfect but they are fantastic children. They are the reasons why I get up in the mornings and why I won't give up hope.

My heart goes out to all mothers who would one day have to have the cruellest conversations ever to be had with their child or children. I was open, honest and positive.