Nuked no more...

I was nuked for the last time yesturday. There was a feeling of excitement, relief and sadness.
Excitement and relief that another phase of my treatment plan had been completed - another chapter closed.
And sadness. Every day for 5 1/2 weeks you allow yourself to become involved to some degree with a team of specialists formed not by choice but for my convenience and my welfare.
My MV4 Radio team made everyday as fun and as seamless as possible. Obviously the necessary qualifications and skills are needed to be there in the first place but you also needed to have that 'x' factor personality to preoccupy, entertain and nurse patients through radiotherapy treatments. Sadly, I will miss them and it will be totally weird not getting called to change into the sexy hospital gown and having them move, shift and mark me up for treatment ever again!
Plus the warm friendly greeting I would receive every afternoon. I will miss Selina with the lolly jar (or was it Serena, oh gosh forgive me, I'll blame the treatment!!!!)

Fatigue. I managed to cope with this through treatment and it has been a different type of fatigue to the chemotherapy fatigue.
Radio fatigue has been constant because good cells were being killed daily and the energy needed to replace the good cells - well it completely overcame me; early on in the piece I gave up fighting it and learnt to listen to my body. So when my eyes could no longer physically stay open, my brain mentally started to shut down and the body went from lethagic to a comatose state, um it was a clear sign to rest completely and my household stopped....hahahaha! Apparently I am to expect to continue to feel the fatigue for another 6 - 8 weeks.

The visible side effects came in the last week of my treatment by what my daughter describes as a huge as hiki - charming! The areas where I've had treatment are clearly visible now and looking like I have been burnt it is also irritable and sore to touch. Time again will heal.


Next chapter, Herceptin.

Angela, Andrew and Dominic - thank you, thank you, thank you!!

Week 3, radiotherapy

Regularly I feel nauseated, there is tingling and numbness in my right arm (which is not from radiotherapy and more than likely from surgery and chemotherapy), tenderness around my right breast and for crying out loud I have an almost rock hard cement pocket for a breast but it is normal while going through radio and normally subsides and goes back to normal sometime after radio is finished - phew coz it cost a bit that new boob job!

My longsuffering hubby or my darling mate Treez pick me up from either work or home and drive me to and from radiotherapy treatment. I had all intentions of driving myself there and back BUT am very grateful that I don't (and so will Auckland commuters) because immediately after treatment I am doggone tired and can bearly keep my eyes open!

The reason for the fatigue I have been told is because radiotherapy kills the cancer cells from the original site but also kills off the good healthy cells (didn't that think I would have any left after chemo) so my body is using a lot of energy making good healthy cells again. When I get home my family no longer ask what's for dinner because I have already hit the pillow and fallen off to sleep.
I listen to my body a lot more since cancer because this is my second shot at life so I want to preserve and look after me a lot more. It's not selfish and I've learnt to be much kinder to myself.
Far out it took cancer for me to treat me right, look after me better and to be much kinder to me and while it might appear to be all about me it isn't really in the end because if I am not well then my family suffers. So if you look after numero uno, numero uno can be there for everyone else.

Concluding my first few days of radiotherapy...

The recent poll placed on my blog closed and while only 26 voted it was conclusive that Pharmac should pay for a full treatment of Herceptin.
I started radiotherapy midweek and just as I expected it hit me immediately.
Sore throat, itchy, fatigue and I am fairly sure some of my brain cells are being microwaved on high!!
My week has been a right shite of one bringing unwanted challenges and a huge mother of a mental meltdown. Yip even after chemo the freaking demons lurk - not for long but they were in full force and unfortunately a couple of my chillens bore the brunt of it one morning.
It is never ideal to have your children witness their mother crack under it all and I am not proud of myself but given the trauma of chemo I'm not beating myself up about it - I can't otherwise I may as well throw away the key and be done with it.
Fortunately the honesty policy set from the very beginning prepares them for the occasional MMM - Mum's Mental Meltdown...LOL...!!..
For every bad day I've had, I've had that many more fabulosa days.
For every bad turn I've had, I've had many more positive outcomes.
For every being who disappointed, I've received and will continue to receive genuinue love and support.

Just about anything they have said that might happen while undergoing chemotherapy and radiotherapy has happened (I am laughing, how could you not!) and I am taking this as a good omen.
I believe that once all my treatment plan has been completed the cancer will be completely gone and will never come back.

Where I am at

My hair is growing back ('dandelion' hair as described by one of my girls) but it is still falling out, so I will shave one last time so that my hair doesn't grow back in patches and I can't wait to take the tweezers to my eyebrows when they grow back completely although I will miss not having to shave me stumps. And even though I have finished chemo I still need my $1 pocket diary for safe measure because I am still forgetful and suffer from short term memory loss, regularly. I get frustrated with myself when I remember that I have forgotten things or when I stumble through sentences too often. I can't believe what I hear sometimes...!
I am back at work and by midday I am yawning, trying hard to stay focussed and awake which actually takes it right out of me. Trying to remember what I just read or heard eats me up because I have to read things many more times over before I can remember and I feel stupid when I have to ask people to repeat themselves again and again just so I know I got it right.

The old appetite is slowly returning although there are many times when I have to stop and think about what it is I really feel like eating. I try not to eat for the sake of eating and am learning to be a bit more selective.

I still carry the extra weight around and think that it will be sometime before I will drop it but really that is the least of my concerns.

Even though I have finished chemotherapy the after effects linger around a bit longer.

What is Pulmonary Embolus?

I got the fact that I had (positive talk) cancer. Understood the need for chemo. Experienced the side effects both physically and mentally, trying to be all things to all people and realised yet again 'Sarvs you are NOT superwoman, bring it down girlfriend'.
The week after my 5th FEC regime I was hospitalised again. It's a sad day when the nursing staff recognise you up at Ward 64 - my 3rd home after oncology daystay unit and the bleeding room (blood lab).
After experiencing severe fatigue (where getting out of bed was impossible most days), dizzy spells, nausea, severe headaches I put it down to chemo side effects. I have a very high pain tolerance (apart from the blimin needles) so I played things down in my head and only when I had terrible stabbing chest pains that reduced me to tears did I get on the blower and called Acute Oncology who informed me to get to hospital, like yesturday!
Lucky the pain reduced me to tears actually because after a sh***y ride to hospital, an x-ray to eliminate a chest infection and a CT scan to detect clots I found out after being admitted to Ward 64 I have PULMONARY EMBOLUS in my right lung so I needed to be jabbed in the stomach with Clexane (blood thinner) immediately and every 12 hours for the next 2 weeks.
I don't do things by halves that's for bloody sure I thought as the nurse jabbed me.
A pulmonary embolus occurs when part of the blood clot somewhere else in the body breaks off and travels to the lungs. It could come from a deep vein thrombosis in the leg or pelvis. The floating piece of clot blocks the blood supply to the lungs. A large one can cause breathing difficulties, fainting spells (hello sound familiar?!) and can even be fatal.
Again not to be outdone Dr Tim from the Haematology Unit said 'you are functioning on about a quarter of your right lung with the rest of it blocked; so your clot is very large'. Wow that is some freaky stuff?!!
I am self medicating once a day now for the next 6 months to thin the clot. Grab the flab and jab (into the stomach), fortunately I have rolls of the flab, so no problemo!
Naturally one asks why clots occur and I was given a number of reasons. The thrombosis specialist said 'people with cancer who have had major surgery are likely to have blood clots'. I guess that's me.
The side effects of the treatment are nose bleeds, bleeding in urine or bowel motions, severe nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea or abdominal pain, severe headache or internal bleeding.

I am still going through the mill but there is light as I go through it, just a bit dim at the moment but it gets brighter as I continue to kick cancer!

It is time....

After my first FEC regime I was a tired washed up wreck unable to find a place of solace - my bedroom felt like a mortuary. It was a common sight to find me sprawled out on our bed fighting the exhausting fatigue and never ending nausea with limited or no energy. And shucks I was a pyscho on steriods...fortunately my adorable family know after chemo I am a different person and am left to get through the side effects. I don't like the FEC side effects more fatigue, constant feeling of nausea and body spasms or pins and needles in both feet and hands.
And just quietly (?!)fighting the unwanted demons inside my head after this chemo round, I will be the first to admit that it is now time to take up the social worker service offered by the Cancer Society. I maybe stubborn but I am not stupid and even I recognise the signs when it is time for that extra support by the professionals.
I will get another perspective on life with cancer and I can be as pyscho as I need to be without feeling like a complete tosser!

Chemo brain

What is chemo brain? Very similiar to mummy brain I would say except that I think chemo does kill off more than 3/4 of ones brain cells..!
After only two chemo cocktails, chemo brain is in full force around at my brain. How do I know? Well let's see...
1. when you forget you have appointments (all 3 on the same day or was it I forgot what day it was?),
2. you continuously misplace your phone (with all your appointments programmed in it),
3. you misplace your diary (with all appointment cards and blood test appointments written in there),
4. you triple book yourself for different appointments on the same day,
5. you forget where you parked your car, spending almost 30 minutes walking around in a mindless panic in one of Auckland's biggest shopping places and you're almost reduced to tears because "everyone just knows I have chemo brain" (cuckoo sounds in your head going off),
6. you start forgetting quite regularly, for split seconds the names of your teenagers,
7. and why you cannot get the Mitsubishi car key into the Toyota car lock; OMG the keys are shaped entirely different too..!!
Then you should have some idea that you have chemo brain!!!
(NB: I am daring to share just some of my memory relapses that I can remember and the ones shared are not necessarily in order...coz I have forgotten the order they happened...LOL...seriously!)
I have my desk calendar both at home and work, my calendar on my phone and my diary so I really don't know what else there is to do apart from tattooing on my forehead everything I need to remember and all the places I need to be at! A friend of mine suggested a palm pilot but I would only misplace that too...what a hoot!

Unfortunately at this stage of my journey I have no life changing tips for women out there who might have to walk this tragic path shortly as sadly it is part and parcel of cancer however I will look back on all of this after my treatment is finished with a great bottle of 'Rockburn Pinot Noir' surrounded by great company and great music laughing my 'post chemo brain' off!!!
(PS: I will always remember that this is a bloodee niiiice drop)

Zoning

Immediately after my diagnosis I was surrounded by breast surgeons, breast care nurses, specialists, oncologists etc etc etc. I have been in great company with people who are familiar with cancer. It is part of their lives. It's how they make a living.
I have always referred to it as 'the safe zone'. I was in the same zone leading up to my first chemo cocktail surrounded by professionals who care for cancer patients and my loving supportive family and friends who care, fullstop.
Everything I had been doing over the past 3 months has been done in my safe zone including time with family and friends, shopping, sporting, schooling activities, you know everyday living. Of course this was all done with a whole mass of black curly hair, (okay give or take a few strands of wisdom grey). I don't believe my hair has really defined who I am as a person but it is a part of my make up and my identity.
So today while lunching with long time friends I suddenly had an anxiety attack when I realised that my patchy scalp was partly exposed under my turban. I am not sure what I was more upset about really. Was it that people may have noticed my patchy scalp or that I felt so completely naked (OMG perish the thought!!!). Either way it was the longest few minutes ever and I felt at that moment I was losing my identity to cancer - 'the danger zone'.
After checking myself out in the bathroom, some reassurance from my friends and a lovely Banarama Cake from the manager of Cafe Massimo, New Lynn I finally arrived back to 'the safe zone'.
It is only hair and it will grow back but it's not being able to control this part of my life that frustrates and upsets. Even with my mastectomy and a couple chemo treatments suddenly without my hair the cancer has become more real...strange but true.
Today is day 4 after my second chemo cocktail and while the side effects have not been as unbearable the pains, aches, tiredness, nausea feeling and the dark moments have arrived...this is when I have to really dig deep and believe that beauty is within and I am winning this evil.
It's been a tough week as I am forced to watch the faces of my beautiful family adjust so lovingly to the ever changing battlefield of the cancer but I take great comfort in knowing that many inspirational women in this 'sisterhood' have walked before me, fought a great battle, lived to share their experiences and with family.
I will be one of these women.

Time permitting next week I am off to Wigs by HairCreation to have my head shaven just so I can move on and complete the quest ahead of me.

Lock down - Ward 64, Room 4

Wednesday 23 January, day 9 after chemo just when I thought I couldn't feel any worse, I note that my temperature was rising, the throat wasn't just 'sore' anymore rather notably painful and there didn't seem to be an off button on my ole bodes plumbing system - just to put it politely.
Not wishing to alarm my family too much I ask Kroydon to drive me to Acute Oncology Unit, Auckland Hospital for 'a check up'.
10.30am: Temp, 38.4 and rising - neutropenic fever.
There was a lot of action from the time of arrival to the time I was admitted. I was again made to appreciate my life and my situation was put into perspective while listening to two very strong grandmothers, one with colon cancer and the other ovarian cancer. The tests they had to endure at their ages and dealing with the emotions of their children, their children's children I couldn't fathom. I looked on and listened not with pity but with admiration of their courage and strength.
6.00pm: Lock down - Ward 64, Room 4
Chemo kills both bad and good cells therefore any infection going round I am more than likely to pick up and then could die from if not treated immediately. Now that might sound quite drastic but unfortunately it is a reality for most cancer patients going through chemo and as one of the nurses on my ward said these situations can become life threatening. So needless to say the hospital is the safest place for us where we can be supported back to um....normality.
(NB: I spent 6 days in hospital to recover. Thanks to Ellen, Noelle, Rowan, Raji, Janet, Sandy, Rose, Arvin, Natalie and Tarina for nursing me back to good health and out of hospital.)

C-H-E-C-K

(NB: if you are the squirmy type then skip this part altogether and have a groovy Monday)

Racked with constant pain throughout entire body. Check.

Little or no energy. Check.

Short bouts of nausea. Check.

Diahorrea. Check

Headaches and dizzy spells. Check-check.

Development of body rash. Check.

Tastebuds completely shot. Check (tough going for an islander...).

Sore mouth, face and scalp. Check-check-check.

Mood swings from hell. C-H-E-C-K. I think this is where much of my energy is wasted. Note to self: conserve, conserve and preserve family peace and harmony!!!

Alrighty, everything seems to be checking out so far and from my own checklist I could safely assume that the chemo is working for the better in the long run. One down, five more to go......